I was pouring it all out to a friend recently and I guess I must have been feeling particularly disenchanted with my romantic life because they tried to reel me in a little bit and tell me my perspective was somewhat clouded. Fair enough but I responded, “You know what? I’m entitled to some bitterness!” I think they understood that what I was waxing on about was a feeling in the moment rather than an underlying philosophical approach towards dating in my 30s. I am not a bitter person but I think I’m allowed to be in a given moment. The moment we feel these things is the moment that feeling justifies itself, to a point anyway. I’m a firm believer that things like companionship, intimacy, and love are things that are earned rather than owed. Showing interest doesn’t entitle you to anything. Being nice doesn’t entitle you to anything. But I think you’re allowed to feel a certain way, in a given moment, provided it’s part of a healthy processing of your own feelings. So here am, 33, in what I feel may be my prime. Standing at the edge, looking towards the horizon, just waiting to leap.

How does one prepare themselves for such a leap, you ask? By downloading a shitload of dating apps, of course! There’s an episode of Master of None that really quite aptly demonstrates the dating app experience. Presented as something of an episode length montage of dates, we watch as the protagonist meets roughly a dozen different women. Most dates are forgettable though some stand out. Some dates are terrible from the get go, some go pretty well, yet it always ends the same way: he goes home to his apartment, picks up his phone, and gets back to swiping. We love to swipe. It’s almost like we’re convinced that regardless of what’s in front of us, something better is just a right swipe away!

I said earlier that I feel like I’m in my prime. I’m not just saying that. I look pretty alright, I dress well, I have a healthy and realistic amount of confidence. So why all the disillusionment then? The process just wears on you after awhile. Maybe you meet someone and you think to yourself, holy shit, there’s something here! Then you realize you’re wrong! Or maybe you go out with someone a few times and you try and try but something just isn’t clicking, as much as you want it to. Sometimes you just talk yourself out of something good because that’s the kind of ridiculous shit that people do. I’ve experienced it all and from both sides. The world isn’t out to get me here, this is all just a product of being human, I think. Nonetheless, it is something worth putting some thought into in order to navigate it better.

For some reason, I have a reputation as being a “relationship guy”. I’ve always found this amusing given the fact that I’ve had one real relationship as an adult. I wonder, is it because at times maybe I’m more intense than I realize? Is it because I share my feelings a bit too much? Do I give off some aura that I’m unaware of? I don’t ever talk about getting married or having kids. In fact, I don’t do much thinking about that stuff at all. I almost never have that “what are we?” conversation with anyone I date. My concept of love is very much inspired by the Talking Heads masterpiece, This Must Be The Place. It’s a song full of non-sequiturs that I always understood to be about a person coming to the realization that they’ve finally discovered love. The line “Home is where I want to be but I guess I’m already there” hints at that search for something that you might already have. You realize it on your own time, of course. That’s the whole point. It’s like, “oh so this is what it feels like”.

I realize that I do have some kind of philosophy towards how I wish to foster any kind of a relationship with someone as I move on with my life. It’s a line from the same Talking Heads song, “The less we say about it the better, make it up as we go along”. We have this way of frankensteining in our heads the ideal romantic partner and perhaps we waste to much time chasing that without ever acknowledging that it’s something that doesn’t exist. Sure, I want someone to eat cheese with. Someone to binge watch The Office with. Someone with a kissable face for me to smooch. Someone who gets me. I could go on. No one just drops into your life like that, wrapped up in a neat little package and topped off with a pretty little bow on it. Nah, it’s just like, an inkling I think. This little something that drives you to say to yourself, “Hmmm, maybe”. And then you go from there and don’t get caught up in wondering what else. If I get caught up in anything else, maybe I never take a great leap forward. Maybe I die standing still, worthy of love but never allowing it.

I find myself more open to taking that leap than I have in years and it’s because I’ve finally come to understand how to time it. The leap doesn’t come when the romantic ideal finally materializes in front of you. It doesn’t come when you match with someone on bumble. It’s when you have that shred of an idea that this is someone worth exploring life with. This is someone worth getting to know. And it comes with the knowing that it may not be the final leap home, so to speak. It may just be one of many that life has in store for you.

I’m not as disillusioned anymore. I’m no longer waiting for that great leap forward. When it feels right, I’m just gonna take it.