The old saying goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Of this I sometimes have my doubts, as you might be able to imagine. It’s entirely dependent on the kind of loss that’s been experienced. People fall into and out of love like clockwork and eventually will figure out how to get over a former lover as those two paths that once converged split off towards something new. It’s a serious undertaking, the gravity of which I don’t seek to diminish, but it’s a lot easier than when they die. I’m 33 years old and when I want to see my girlfriend I have to visit her grave. I know what I’m talking about here. I don’t wish it on anyone. You don’t get over it. That’s not the point. You get to live again, but it’s different than what it was before. You pull a rickshaw with you everywhere. Sometimes the weight of it is such that you might only be able to take a few meek steps. Other times you don’t even notice it. You’re always pulling it, though.

Each and every day is replete with reminders, memories, their ghosts. That’s right. Their ghost. At times you feel haunted but you learn to like not being alone in a sense. It all coalesces together into this entity that you can’t see or hear but you can feel it. I feel it.

There’s no knowing how or why this feeling manifests itself, it’s just about feeling it when it’s there.

I feel it every time I hear Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers. Fuck, that Patrick Swayze movie where he played a ghost got a lot right. Wish I could remember the name of it right now! But yeah, that song, a song that had absolutely no relevance to our relationship…it helps me feel her.

I feel it on the lonely car ride to work. She’s right there next to me, her hand on mine.

I feel it in Mittens, her 14 year old cat. Mittens has this way of staring into your eyes and penetrating your soul. She’ll run her paw through my beard sometimes. Sometimes I think that cat is her.

I feel it whenever I do something stupid. There’s a disappointment. She expects better from me.

I feel it when I succeed, like a cheerleader eternal on the sidelines of my life.

It’s been a long, lonely time these last few years but these days I don’t feel so lonely. I’ve come to learn that I’m never alone. Friends. Family. Potential Romantic Partners. Her. It’s been a long, lonely time because I didn’t know how to feel what I was feeling. I’ll always hunger for her touch. If I’m being honest, there’s no getting around that. That was when the light at the end of the tunnel began to flicker like a beacon in the night. When I realized that I was finally able to take more than a few meek steps. As I seek to establish connections with the new, the slow walk has become constant and brisk.

As I welcome new people into my life they need not worry about filling her shoes. They’re already full. I can feel it. Sometimes I can even hear the footsteps.