Summer has always been that one season to elude me, I’ve just never been able to crack it open and see it for what it is. In the autumn we begin our retreat, the winter we effectively hibernate, and the spring we are born anew. What then of the summer? It should be our apex, no? Yes, I think it should and yet allowing that has been rather difficult these last couple of years.

In 2016, I spent half of the summer recovering from a surgery that had left me temporarily disabled. The latter half and ensuing year was consumed by the death of my girlfriend. In 2017, I didn’t allow much to happen although I did begin to cut through the fog within which I was enveloped. I began to allow myself to have fun again, here and there. I even worked up the nerves to ask someone out! Still, I succumbed to the kind of dormancy that has pervaded much of my existence. I just couldn’t move enough nor was it the right direction. Most importantly, I had yet to bring myself back to the forefront. I just wasn’t ready to be me.

Summer 2018 has been an entirely different animal. Maybe it’s because I started the season off a svelte (for me) 219 pounds. That man looking back at me in the mirror was more of a handsome devil than he’d ever given himself credit for. How was I just now realizing this? Why does my confidence seem boundless? I decided to not spend much time in my head pondering these questions as I’d only talk myself out of it all. I opted, instead, to embrace it. For the first time ever, I would not get in my own way.

Previously, I’ve acknowledged the amount of dating I have done this summer. I have mixed feelings to that end as nothing has stuck. But what if that’s a good thing? I mean, I’ve gotten myself back out there, I’m meeting a lot of new people, I am experiencing things. So what if it’s been little more than a fling here or there? I want to find a partner eventually but what’s the rush? I feel great, I don’t look too shabby, I dress well, I’ve remembered how to smile and laugh, and I find my self assuredness at an all time high. I’ve determined that I shall simply put this all on display. Life will happen as it does and I’m just gonna roll with it.

There were no conventionally noteworthy moments this summer. I didn’t get engaged or married ,or father a child, or whatever the hell else I’m supposed to do. I’ve always questioned conventions and norms so this is fitting. This summer has been one big moment comprised of many small ones.

The parties. The beach. The hike. The steak dinner. The racetrack. Asbury Park. The family. The friends. The laughs. That day at the winery.

Nothing all that spectacular, I know, but I have a feeling that I’m going to look back upon this summer with wonder in my eyes. It wasn’t the events that were spectacular, it was me. I’ve finally found myself at a place where I can enjoy these things. I find myself at a place where I can potentially contribute to the lives of others. I find myself content with the knowledge that further enrichment lies just ahead of me and I’ll accept it as it comes.

Here we are, the season not quite over, but we begin to look back as what once was sand between our toes will soon be the foliage crunching under our feet. It’s when we start to ask ourselves the fundamental question that Husker Du once posed: Was this your celebrated summer?

As a matter of fact, I do believe it was.