Cocaine is a hell of a drug. So are pizza rolls. I never got into drugs and I’m not much more than a social drinker but there was a time in my life when I had a serious pizza roll problem. I associate the popular snack food with the darkest period of my life. They were my comfort, my safe space, my constant. I never met a 40 count bag of them that I didn’t like. Eating 40 of them in one sitting, at a minimum of once a week, didn’t seem strange to me at the time. When I found myself at a crossroads, about a year ago, I knew I’d have to learn how to quit them. My life and my happiness would depend on it.

The pizza roll as we know it was invented in 1951 by frozen Chinese Food magnate, Jeno Paulucci. Yeah, I’m trying real hard to ignore the fact that I share initials with this brilliant devil and that our last names sounds very similar. I’ll just pretend that’s a coincidence. These things are basically an egg roll shell filled with hot, gooey, pizza-like innards. What twisted genius this guy had. I think I hate him.

There was a ritual, you see. During my weekly trip to Target I’d just have to see if they were on sale. They almost always were. Somehow their affordability would always help me to rationalize a decision that I knew was bad. Sure, if I could eat a handful here or there what would be the big deal? But I didn’t eat a handful, I’d eat the entire bag. Every single time. That’s just how I rolled. Terrible pun intended.

That crossroads again. Eventually I had to give these things up. I’d like to say that I got tired of scalding the roof of my mouth every time I just had to have one fresh out of the toaster oven, but that would be disingenuous. It’s because I found myself tipping the scales at 280 pounds and in poor health as a result. It’s because my compulsion to eat them was a manifestation of my grief, depression, and loneliness. I was going to have to leave them behind.

It’s been a year now since I’ve had one, much less 40 of them. I’ve lost about 60 pounds. Life isn’t perfect but I’ve managed to rekindle that joie de vivre that had been so sorely absent. I did other things too, I mean, I changed my entire lifestyle really. Rather than sit still and binge eat, I’ve embarked on a new journey. What that journey entails, in full, I don’t quite know. But I’m enjoying life a lot more these days. Companionship still eludes me, but god knows I’ve tried to that end of things. Perhaps I must try harder still.

I think I’ll find my person to drink wine and eat cheese with. Someone whose hand I will hold as we traverse through the swamplands trying to find our way home. I’m not worried much about that. Good things come in time.

As for the pizza rolls? They’re just gonna have to stay in the freezer.