re·new·al

/rəˈn(y)o͞oəl/

noun

an instance of resuming an activity or state after an interruption.

2018 is nearly over and it’s been a good one. A really good one, in fact. I say this now because I know that I will look back at this year as a turning point. As THE turning point, even. High praise for a year that has yet to reach its conclusion but I feel it and therefore, I know it.

I started off the year having made some conscious lifestyle changes to improve my health both physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and somehow they’ve stuck. Was it through some sort of divine intervention from a power greater than myself or was it via my own will to resume living a life worthy of living? I prefer the latter. There is no power greater than that which resides with myself. Yeah, I guess I’m really quite high on myself in 2018. Guilty as charged.

Can one find his or herself after years of wandering and wading through the endless abyss? I think so. I think I like the person I’ve found. I think other people like this person too. They should. It’s a more fully formed and filled in picture of myself than the lackluster caricature that preceded it.

Yeah, I lost a lot of weight and that’s been nice. It feels good when people notice. It’s nice having my appearance complimented. It’s gone a long way towards rekindling a fire inside of me. A fire of confidence, of compassion, and yes even a willingness to love once again.

I’ve figured out how to love a dead person in a way that is healthy and conducive towards a continuance of living a life that had come to a screeching halt. Melissa is in my heart and on my mind each and every day. That is a thing that doesn’t change. What changes is how I carry her with me. What’s changed is the additional room in my heart that now sits there waiting for someone else.

But I’m not waiting. I’m out there and enjoying it profusely. I’ve gone on dates with a dozen different people over the course of the past year. 12 of them. I’ve never dated that much in my life! I was always the kind who dated one person for a few months and then sat around and sulked for a few months. Rinse and repeat. Ad Infinitum.

Some months back I wrote about my disenchantment with dating. I bemoaned my lot in life in that regard but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I don’t wait for the great leap forward because I’ve already taken it. It’s never been about seeking that replacement of all which I’ve lost, it’s been about renewing myself.

And so here I am, this dreary and rainy Friday morning feeling anything but weary of the future in the way that I once was. Standing still was so easy, taking steps was hard. With each step though came the foundation of a path towards renewal. Taking steps have gotten much easier.

I’ve never been one for the New Years resolution. Always seemed silly to wait and find the resolve. It’s already there. Embrace it and the potential renewal that comes with it. It’s a gift available to us each and every day. No need to wait for a new week, a new month or a new year. It is there waiting at the dawn of each day.

How will I remember 2018?

It was the year that nothing seemingly changed and yet so much did. It will forever serve as my jumping off point aimed at a future yet unwritten.

For the first time in a long time, I am excited for the years ahead of me.

May you have a happy new year. May you have a year of renewal!