Today is your birthday. Or it was. You’re not here to celebrate it any longer. You’ve been gone for three of them now and here I am still thinking about you. What you’d be doing with yourself, how you’d be celebrating, how we’d be celebrating…the thoughts of what was, what could have been, and what is swirl around my head liked a magnificent cyclone of love and grief and hope and sorrow.

Your cats are doing ok but my guess is that you already know that. Sometimes when I look at them I can see you. There’s something in their eyes. When I pet them and they purr I don’t just feel their love, I can feel yours as well. Does it work both ways? Can you still see me too? Can you still feel me?

I know I don’t visit you as much anymore and for that I’m sorry. What once seemed so easy, just visiting you and talking, has become difficult. They say this stuff gets easier but I think we both know that’s bullshit. It never gets easier just different. I’ll see you soon. I promise.

Things have changed since we last saw each other on this mortal plain. I’ve changed. Do you recognize me? I’m sure you recognize my looks, sure I’ve lost some weight and my beard is a length you definitely would not abide by, but it’s still me. Do you recognize my soul, though? It feels different now. More at peace with the world. More ready to embrace things as they come my way. I feel as though I’ve become a different person each year without you. A better person. A more amplified version of the absolute best of me. I hope that you approve.

Since you’ve been gone I began dating again and I’m sure you’ve got opinions aplenty on the subject. I tried to just be the most decent person I could be when I got back out there. I think I did ok but I’m guessing there were a few along the way that would beg to differ. But what do you think? I’ve settled down and found someone. It feels right. For the first time since you left something felt right.

About that. Did you send her my way?

I know you two met once. You probably didn’t know much about one another but where you are now you must know more. Are you the heavenly angel who sent this earthly one my way? I like to think that’s the case. Is that how these things work?

Today’s your birthday. Or it was. I can’t buy you gifts anymore, you don’t need them where you are.

Today is your birthday. Thank you for the gifts you’ve given me.

Buonanima,

– Johnny