Cold Open

It’s 8 o’clock in the evening on a Monday night and I’m out running errands. Having four cats means a fair amount of my disposable income is spent on things like catnip, laser pointers, and kitty litter. I love my babies and will do anything for them. I’m also a selfish prick and whenever I do something responsible I feel like I owe myself one. Yep, that’s me. What should I treat myself to now? I completed a task like a good boy. What do I deserve as reward?

A trip to Toys R Us, of course! Because I’m a fucking child.

Now, I have no real agenda so I just kind of make my way towards the video games and the action figures because that’s all I really care about and they’re conveniently located right next to one another. I go towards the video games first. The set up is nowhere near as cool as it was when I was a child. Remember that long glass case with displays of all the consoles? Or how about how you’d have to grab like a ticket with the name of the game you wanted on it and they’d have to go look for it…that was way cooler than hoping to find someone with a key to slowly unlock the case and who you actually have to speak to. I’m rambling.

There’s still no sign of the NES Classic Mini! What a missed opportunity that was. There are hundreds of Amiibo, however. I’m bored. Time to revisit my first love: Action Figures and Accessories.

Marvel, DC, Star Wars, WWE…all the standards are there. But holy shit the prices on some of this stuff is ridiculous. 100 bucks for Captain America’s shield seems reasonable enough, but $150 for a TIE Fighter? 200 for Kylo Ren’s shitty lightsaber? $249.99 USD for a fucking AT-ACT? That’s not even a real thing, it’s some variation they came up with so they could sell another toy. Do parents buy this stuff for their kids?

Time to hit the clearance racks. I’m not leaving this place empty handed. I spend the better part of the next hour browsing and here is what I end up coming away with.

World of Nintendo Microland Gold Series Minifigures


I don’t know why I even bought these, the price was right but kind of pointless to own as I can’t take these out of the packaging. I don’t have a good history with tiny toys like this and I’m gonna go ahead and guess that not much has changed now that I’m an adult. I also have four cats and when you have 4 cats one of them is bound to try and eat these things. Then my sensible $2.98 purchase becomes a $1200 bill for emergency veterinary services. At least I own a golden goomba, I’ll always have that.

Guavian Enforcer


What we have here is a clear case of milking a film for all of its merchandising worth.

Was anyone clamoring for more of the Guavian Death Gang, so much so to justify this absolute nobody being mass produced? I didn’t think so. I couldn’t imagine myself 20 years ago begging my mother for this thing every time we went to the local Walgreens like I did with Grand Moff Tarkin (spoiler alert: She eventually relented). But you know what? At least Tarkin was kind of a big deal. He ran the Death Star! Darth Vader listened to him that one time! He blew up Alderaan! I had good reason for wanting an evil senior citizen in diminutive form.

These guys on the other hand had all of three minutes of screen time before being eaten by a plot device and look like a rip off of the Cyborg Ninja from Metal Gear Solid. I’m sorry. I’ve already wasted enough of my time and yours talking about this.

General Armitage Hux


General Hux is what happens when you allow the Alt-Right to have a platform.

Oh, we’re nothing like the Imperials, they probably hate us”, he’ll say.

And we’ll be stupid enough to defend him with platitudes like, “We don’t agree with the systemic extermination of the Jedi but we’ll fight to the death for your right to talk about it”.

The next thing you know he’s hooking up with some angsty dork with a lightsaber and a 20 foot tall hologram with a cleft palate that he calls “Daddy” and they’re blowing up entire solar systems.

This is why I support the efforts of General Leia Organa and her Resistance. Sure, there’s concerns about whether or not they’re paid to do what they do but they do some good work. What’s that you say? “Their use of violence makes them just as bad as the Neo-Imperials who aren’t even Imperial anyway, they’re the First Order and it’s totally different.” Ok, the Rebels are exactly the same as the Imperials or whatever the fuck they’re calling themselves.

Just remember, when some gigantic fucking laser is pointed at your planet and you’re counting your precious remaining seconds that it was you and your absolutist, peak liberal stance on free speech that lead to this. Look at that picture up there, he literally has a loaded weapon pointed at us and you think we should engage in a dialogue. Ugh.

And welcome to A Winner Is Me, where I ostensibly talk about toys. Thanks for reading!

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